For the women who take an hour to get dressed and do their makeup, I’m sorry. For the ladies who work their asses off at the gym to lose weight, I’m sorry. For the divas who order a salad on a date, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry because I judged all of you and I was really shitty about it.

Since I can remember, I have had seizures. I didn’t always know that’s what my ailment was called since I don’t fall out on the floor or anything. However, I noticed that when I don’t eat as healthy as I should, or I don’t eat enough, my brain shuts down. If I don’t drink enough water, I can’t think. If I don’t get enough sleep, I can’t focus the next day and my brain can’t handle that physical stress.

“It’s my body making sure I pay attention to its needs,” I’d say. After all, physical health isn’t really on my radar for much of the day. I’d much rather prefer to daydream about all the goals I could accomplish, or what solutions to the world I could propose if I had power or were rich. But I was convinced that my seizures were part of my natural ‘motivational package’ to eat healthy, treat my body well, and enhance my self-care.

Except junk food would still be binged, exercise an everlasting dream, and water remained in the bottle instead of in my body. I’d often stay up late for various reasons because 24 hours really is a pitiful amount of time for a single day. (And what’s the point of sleep anyways? Pfft. Sleep is for the weak!)

It wasn’t until sometime this year that I finally considered some of the voices in the back of my mind. “You wanna look hot, don’t you?”

Uh…can you say vapid?

I’ve always prided myself on being the logical one. I don’t want to be called stupid. People in my social circle and at my workplace know I’m smart. And to me, that’s good. So my goals should be smart to reflect me, right?

Well this year, I decided to honor the voice. “I’m going to start counting calories because I want to lose enough weight to be more attractive, which will lead me to have more opportunities for enjoyable sex.” This was the first goal I started with. And uh…I’m definitely eating way fucking healthier. I’m down 2 pants sizes and the outfits I bought last year for work are almost falling off of me now. After about a decade of struggle with attempting this lifestyle change, I’m finally achieving it because of this superficial thought! That’s crazy to me. (I’m also having better sex too, so yay!)

So now I’ve moved on to: “I’m going to start exercising because I want a flat belly and I want to look hot in this dress.” And best believe I’ve been waking up at 5:30 am to exercise for the past week. I hate exercise! But I’ve been consistent so far and I don’t see myself stopping soon.

As a natural result, I haven’t had a seizure in all of this time*. I’m having great meals, I’ve been consistently drinking water and always have my water bottle with me (frequently refilled throughout the day!) and I go to bed at 9:50 pm to get my complete 7.5 hours of sleep. I’m healthier than ever because of this simple, somewhat “stupid” goal.

I want to be sexy. And I can’t believe I’ve shamed other women for wanting the same thing before.

So no matter how silly that voice in your head is, please listen to it. It might be the hidden boost of motivation you’ve been needing. Perhaps you’ll start meeting those long-held goals you’ve been cherishing for over a decade. I dare you to try it, despite how ridiculous they may sound, whatever it is.

*Side note: Not saying that my seizures are miraculously cured somehow. That’s not really how epilepsy works. However, they are significantly reduced and will probably be shorter and more tolerable. I’m sure I’ll still get them. Just putting that out there. Lol.

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